As humans we all have stuck patterns that pop up in our lives - especially in areas closest to our heart.  These patterns can sometimes seem like just “who we are”, so they can be hard to spot.  Whether we are reading this as someone who has been ‘working on themselves’ for awhile, or someone who suspects that there is a force limiting potential - this is for you.

The difficult patterns you experience are not who you really are.  Often, we are hard on ourselves and wonder why can’t I change? There is a good reason!  These patterns are deeply rooted in early attachment wounding. 

The word ‘attachment wound’ can be intimidating. Or can elicit an eye roll, that says -oh no I thought I’d already done enough work on myself!  You also may not be familiar with this term or how it may relate to you.

Attachment wounds originate in early life relationships and are often the root of the stuck patterns you currently experience.  Even if those early relationships were generally positive, attachment wounds still form. They can range from mild to severe and may be created on the basis of acts of abuse and neglect.

It is important to remember, in essence, these wounds are relational. This means that healing can happen in a relational context! 

Even though it may not feel like it, difficult patterns are arising in the here and now in order to heal what happened in the then and there.  

Here are just a few potential fruits of the process of healing these old wounds.

One fruit of healing is a quieting of your internal system. Almost like stepping outside after being in a loud environment, suddenly you can hear the silence. This quieting feels calm and relieving and you may feel more present with yourself and others.  This quieting also means there is space to focus on what is dear to you, or to find out what that might be! That means more energy to engage in things such as your art, music  a sport, a walk, time with others or spiritual practice.   

Another fruit is the sense of “really getting it” that this difficulty is understandable and not a deficiency in who you are.  As a metaphor, think of a tangled ball of string that is being untangled.  It feels so good to untangle!  There may be softness towards yourself and all you have experienced and survived.  

Lastly you can develop the stamina to be able to be in relationship with others in new and more fulfilling ways.  At first this may mean having the stamina to see old patterns and not act on them.  As you go further, you may have a sense of possibility and the ability to choose new directions.

People often tell me they feel both fear and motivation to work on themselves.  I totally get that!  I also hear that it feels quite relieving to walk with someone and explore these uncharted areas.  Someone recently called these attachment wounds “sacred places”. I really like that.  Perhaps the wounds and the fruits are both sacred.  What sacredness might be calling to you at this time in your life?

Written by Laura Montgomery, MSW, RSW . Laura is a Counsellor in private practice in North Vancouver, BC.